Suppository
by FatherLunaLove
Summary: Alucard is having problems with his powers and He needs Anderson's help. Life presses on Integra and Walter only wishes her the best. Oh and Farts. *Crack Fic that actually will be updated weekly
1. Chapter 1

FatherLunaLove

Suppository

This is just a crack fic to open off my account. This does not reflect my intelligence.  
-

_Okay Alucard get off your butt, you can do this! God... I don't want to, JESUS, I don't have to, ALLAH, please just kill me._

What is happening, my sweets? Alucard is fat and needs to go for a jog.

So he go out n runned and runnerd until his heart blew up and then he fgot made fun of and now evebery body eherts him and _**dear god please don't judge my writing ability from this.**_

So he gave up and tried the insanity work out and got even fatter so he tried to call his best friend forever Anderson.

"Anderson, Broooooo, help me out Maaaaaaaan."

"Ah dunno... what cha got fo' meeeeee?"

"Black Butler on DVVVVVVVDDD Maaaaaan"

"Oh mah Jeezes lawrd in heavne... I be tha' in a minute."

"Thaaaaaannnnnksssss maaaan."

Alucard proceeded to put JB Cds into the hellsing intercom system and he danced to them until he got a boner. "That lady has such a beautiful voice"

little did anybody no or care about was that alucard was secretly a woman.

How do you ask?

Vampires can trade genders with people who are virgins and are willling to a a pact.

Secretly integra is a man.

How so?

The pact involves eat five bags of been burritos, Taco bell Nachos, and reading 2 girls 1 cup the novel. Oh and farting a lot in the same general room.

Lets just say it worked and sometimes Integra cries at knight because now she a a Sir and not a Boss like she wanted to be.

Well back to alucard who is fat now.

He smacked his jiggly thighs and sighed

he patted his wiggly belly and cried

he toddled his squiggly arms and whined

"OH WHAT A FAT BOY AM I!"

DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG

"Omegerd Andie's here!"

Integra was sitting at here desk when suddenly the door bell rang. It was one of those annoying ones that played Jingle bells over and over until you converted to Mormonism.

Damn those traveling salesmen!

So she he it walked to the door like a Sir and opened it.

WHO WAS IT?!

Gasp

it was Anderson! But he was dressed like Ciel from Black Butler! HOW SEXY!  
He stretched a hairy leg out and rubbed his foot on integra's face, bring out the pizza he had hid in his pocket.

"Are you a delivery man now?"

"It's not delivery it's Dijornos"

"Oh thank God."

"WAIT"

"What?"

"Protestant God or Catholic God?"

"Muslim God"

"K thanks."

He suddenly lifted his legs and floated down the hallway until he reached Alucards Basement which was conveniently on the Top Floor.

"BROOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"BROOOOOOOOOOOO!"

They proceeded to hug kiss and have sex and required by any bromance.

"Wait bro this is gay"

"Yeah this is a clean fic. Not a yaoi."

"Yeah we can't just drop our classyness now!"

and then they farted.

After a deep inhale they put the Black Butler DVD in the VHS player.

"Alucard this is amazing~!"

"The Record Player?" (which had a floppy disk spinning sadly around)

"No, this story I'm reading, it's called the bible! I really liked this guy in it called Jesus..."

" Oh yeah I read that one, I can't believe he dies in the end."

"_DAMN IT I WASN"T FINISHED YEEEEEEET."_

Father Anderson then proceed to curl up and cry, the stress on his Ciel costume caused it to ripp a little in the back revealing his bright pink Grell thong.

"My god, Anderson, that bubble but of death."

"Look who's talking, Fatso."

"At least I'm not Vageeta!"

"Or Integra"

"Yeah haha screw that manly loser."

suddenly Integra felt a pang in her side and she laid down on her desk and cried smoking three cigars.

Walter noticed this and stopped urinating the potted plant in the corner and decided to speak to Seras who was Integra's BBBFF or Big Boobied Best Friend Forever.

"Seras?"

he looked around the bed room and roof. Seras?! Maybe she was mad because they moved her room to the helicopter pad.

Suddenly he spotted her neon yellow uniform but she wasn't wearing and skirt..

"Huh?"

He flew over using his floss (how minty).

Seras was crouched and grunting her face becoming laced with a delicat pink. Her eyes were teary and pale blue and she was the empitome of a british lady.

"What are you doing?"

"Pooping"

"On the Roof?"

"Yeah."

"I need you to talk to Sir Integra."

"About what?"

"Lady things"

Seras agreed and phased through the wall to Integras room office (she sleeps on her desk and uses her paperwork as a blanket.)

Suddenly she knew she was nekkid because it too cold to be reasonable.

_Oh no!_

She ended up not caring because she was added to this series as a sex object anyway so whatever.

"Integra you just need to get over your uglyness and just be a girly girl like me."

" bu- but my chest is so flat and my testicles are so tecticly"

"You know what I do when I want to girly?"

"what do you do?"

"I Take a big Steaming Dump."

"I know."

"You know?"

"I video tape you sometimes."

"oh."

"And Post them on the internet."

"oh."

"We'll also fund the Hellsing Armory with the Dvd bluray set."

"oh"

…

"Lets just go to Walmart."

"Okay Seras I trust you."

Back down in the Basement two sexy men were staring at they're naked sweaty bodies.

Their breathing became heavy, blood was rushing.

"I can't... take it anymore..."

"Just a few more minutes... you... pussy."

Anderson's Green eyes stared into Alucards letting him know just how felt about him.

It was just so... reassuring.

Alucard's stared on into Andersons. He browes began to furrow and his face turned into a lacy pink. He shifted his gaze and shut his eyes and a tear leaked through.

"HAHA YOU LOOSE YOUR A GAY VAMPIRE!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"You're just a stinky fart baby"

"You're just a smelly dead body."

"Thats hurts broo."

"Sorry man."

"Lets Settle this..."

"WALMART STYLE."

So they all gathered into the Taxi and drove into the senset.

NEXT WEEK: The WALMART FILES: the suppository that will save your life.


	2. Chapter 2

FatherLunaLove

Suppository  
WALMART FILES!

Walter speededed down the lane. Vroom he was going fast!

Beep beeeeeep  
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

well okay I lied because you know just as well as I do that anyone over the age of 25 drives like a wet fart.

So 4 hours later they arrived in South Carolina.  
"Walter?" said he she it Integra

"yeah?" and he stopped picking his knose.  
"weren't we in England."

"I no, but I thought you would like to tour the colonies!"

"O- MG YOU ARE Soooooooooooo smarticle~"

Walter turned away from her and closed his eyes, she could never know the truth.  
It was 20 years ago, walter was young free hooked on 12 different kinds of weed and pooped every time he sneezed alittle.  
But then he as known then as the Hole filler!  
Why?

Because no matter which baseball bat he chose he allways made a strike on the golf field.

Well back to the then.

His long flowing mullet waved in the wind, the rain felled down beyotifully on his broud shoulders, his beard was uber haiiry and long and danced with the light in his eyes. He was proud confident and he only stank alittle.

But then... but then... THE SCOTTS ATTACK.

Onward they marched to the battle field, the old court of green. Claymore swords in hand.  
With a simple lift of skirt and a blow of bagpipe they're mighty white balls flew across the course and into the Hole filler, broken bloody and fallen... he swore he would become a Nazi and destroy their asses and ONE DAY HE SHALL RISE UP AND-

"waaaaaaalltttttttter were in the stttoooooooooooooore already!"

whispered everyone.

Seras Walter and He She It integra walked to the kitty litter isle to talk about modern canadian politics and whether bath salts or pcp worked better analy.

–

"So my little priest brooOOOOOOOOOO, what shall we do to end this stank fit?"

"You, Me, Grocery cart. NOW"  
" but we haven't gone through the clothing isle yeeeeet!"

So they proceded to ravege the granny pannies and sexy 3x large blubber but onesie pajama dresses.

God they looked so fine.

Anderson walked down the hallway donning the only Waltmart Pope approved priest wear, **Solid pink with sailor moon print butt**ocks and revealed crotch zone. And a minimum of 5 temporay "sexy thang tattoes and 15 rainbow hair clip in that had the word "PRIDE" written on them, (What else ofcourse to show his pride in his priestlyness?!)

Alucard who do to his enormous size had fifty two booty shorts sewn together to cover one cheek and five curlers in his hair and gravy stains on his 23x size wife beater tank, with JB themed sunglasses. (why does allucard like her so much? Because who doesn't like a beaver that bends over?)

"RAPED DAT SHIT IN THE BUTT!"

"Shush alliucard we got tah git started, people are starting to notice that were normal!"

"our desguises aren't working?"

"We too classy and sophictacated!"

"DAMN!"

So Alucard went to the baby isle and took a massive dump in the diaper section and smeared it around a little bit. But only after the janitor kid had just got done cleaning. That guy got so mad that he decieded to quit life and start doing drugs, but he already worked at walmart so his life got improved betterer and then he got aids and died and no one came to the funeral, as his only child billy cried alone in a puddle, naked and cold with a little 3 year old child whimpering wheres daddy? Wheres daddy? They hugged one last time before letting out theyr final breaths and they both went to heaven but got sent back because dad forgoted his passport so rather than taking the elevator to Hell they had to take the Highway which was pacted with rush our 5 oclock traffic in New york whilwaiting in line for disney land and it was hot and the ac wasn't working and billy whined for hours are we there yet ar we there yet and then they got turned got burn and turned into tato crisps and then they were reborn as Luke and Jan valentine! THE END.

Alexander simply stared in amazing ment at this turn of events.  
Tears flowed down his face as the impact of what he had just scene hit him.  
"What is it, bro?" alucard asked.  
"THEY"RE HAVING A ROLLBACK ON 50 SHADES OF GREY!"  
"FIFTY SHADES FOR FIFTY CENTS?!"  
"WHAT A DEAL!"  
Alucard shoved the book down his shorts and whispers  
"what a steal!"

oke doke beck to the race!

So they both ranneded to the front of the store an ddumped out the walmart greeter from the certasy store scooters and sat down in ectasy.  
Green eyes glinted at Red and they started theyre engines.

3 5 1 GO!

Flames burst from the pipes, engines roared, people screamed.

They twisted and turned down every isle, speeding so fast that the fat people blobs wiggled and writhed in slow motion, chunky men screamed in deep voices as their fried butter buckets were knocked from their hands. Immobile children wriggled as their fattening hero in red jiggled by them his sunglasses shining in the light.

Anderson looped around every corner using his cross and a hook to pull 180s out of no where.  
When suddenly a fighter pilot comes out of nowhere! What?

"Alexander this is the Army for Uranus, give us back the key!"  
"NEVER!"

He and Alucard grabbed hands and jumped over the shelves into the shoe isle.  
"Quick the flip flops!"

"Got em!"  
"FLING EM!"

The Sea Harrier FA2 dodged and swerved around the attacks.  
"Andersoooooon, brooooooooooooooo, wut in the hellsing are they talking about!"

"MY mission will be compromised! I-I can't tell you!"

"pwease"

"Okay since your hot." he sighed.  
He then went on this long rant about Catholics being a messenger race from Uranus and how he was sent to earth as the key's guardian. What does the key do?

I don't know or care. Plots lines... yay.

"jesus man... that's deep"  
They proceeded to hug, tears welling up in their eyes.  
"STAND DOWN NOW!"

Their silloutes stood blackened against the blue wall and the yellow star... Smiles all round them... waiting... for their roll back.  
DUN Dun dun.

(What happened to He She & It? Find out Next time in GAL PALS!)  
_**Authors note: **_Hey guys and thanks for the reviews!  
This fic will be updated on Sundays and Occasionally Wednesdays when I can get to it, so be on the look out for it!

This thing is a headache for me to write as I'm a very serious person and I get thrown out of loop with these things.

But to improve as a writer I must push myself out of Mein Kampfort zone!

Sorry if the style of the story changes from random acid trip everywhere to story like, I'm looking for a zone that I maintain a writable position. :)  
Sorry this is so long, these author's notes will be shorter!  
(Oh and I'm on a Mix of Mocha Monster and PCP (now legally available at any participating Gas stations near you!)


End file.
